Lazy Eye By Kristine Caguiat

“Diego.”

I remembered fidgeting with the radio controls before facing her. It was as if I was stalling for time or pretended not to hear her beside me.

Again,

“Diego, please.”

Fuck.

A song started to play, but I have forgotten its title. It’s not like I pay attention to these things. The way it sounds is what matters. I wonder what band this is? Maybe they want to be famous; the way everyone wants to be famous. But Lucy…

I’ve been waiting.

I’ve been waiting for this moment…

“Yeah?”

That was pathetic, but it was all I could muster. She must be so frustrated by now. The air conditioning would hum almost silently, the cold air cracking my lips until they stung. I wonder if she felt the same way. I could see her hands gripping the edge of her seat, until they were both drawn up and came to a stop where she cupped her mouth and blew into both palms.

Ah yes, she was feeling the same. The cold was getting to her as well.

“I promise I won’t…”

“Won’t what, Lucy?”

“Tell anyone.”

Her eyes fluttered, her cheeks were flushed. She was still beautiful despite the matted hair on her forehead, and remnants of the night’s party all over her once pristine dress. But I didn’t like her.

…all my life.

But it’s not quite right.

She was cheap.

No, she wasn’t, I think. It’s more like she was trying to be, in order to excuse herself from trying everything. She was a butterfly, who was perpetually running out of time.

“That’s not important.”

“It is to me. I have to do this”

“To lose your virginity? Now?”

“Why don’t you understand?”

Her gaze grew sharper as she looked out the window. It’s as if narrowing her eyes to the darkness outside would have made her less frustrated.

“Not with me, Lucy.”

“Why?”

What did she mean, “why?” What the hell.

Stupid girl.

I wonder if she thinks I’m being polite. I wonder if she thinks I’m being polite because she’s a girl. Her sex has made all the difference.

“I don’t love you.”

And this ‘real’

It’s impossible, if possible

“It’s okay, I don’t either.”

At whose blind word.

She looked at me again. Maybe it was her beauty that had her convinced that she was invincible. In the end, she’d never learn.

“Don’t you want me, Diego?”

“This isn’t right.”

I want to take care of her.

I gripped the steering wheel. The tag of my shirt scraped a spot on my back every time I moved, a tender mark must already be there by now.

“Just fuck me.”

So clear but so unheard.

‘Just fuck me.’

I repeated the words in my head. There was no malice to the way she said them. She had the ability to make the words still sound beautiful.

I’ve been waiting.

I’ve been waiting for this silence…

I wonder what it would be like to touch her. I wonder if I would be the first of many. I wonder if I would ruin her.

“That’s it?”

“Yes. I want you to fuck me.”

If this moment was different, I would be different.

She would love me, and I could take care of her.

…all night long.

“I should take you home”

It’s just a matter of time.

“Not before you do.”

To appear sad,

With the same old decent lazy eye

Fixed to rest on you.

Her eyes. The makeup had blurred long ago, evidence of how hard she tried to be beautiful, even if she already was.

“It’s almost your curfew.”

“You know it won’t take long.”

“It will hurt.”

But not for me.

“I know.”

So clear and so untrue.

Fuck.

I hate the way she looks at me.

She makes my clothes feel uncomfortable, and the air around us grows thin.

Or thick.

What is thick?

Like extreme heat and extreme cold where you can no longer tell the difference.

Everything blurs.

Everyone’s so intimately rearranged,

Everyone can focus clearly with such shine.

December darkness is overwhelming.

I hear a sound. Apart from that song.

It’s slow and steady, and I know what it is but I have to look to make damn sure.

Lost and loaded

Still the same old decent lazy eye

She was perched on the edge of her seat, her back slightly turned towards me. I could see her soft skin emerging as the zipper slowly came undone.

Straight through your gaze

That’s why I said I relate

The dress looked uncomfortable anyway. It must’ve been itchy, and it looked too much but on her it was just right. I remember on certain nights when we’d see each other across the crowd, she always dressed too much. Actually, it was more like too little, but it was too much for everyone else around us. Her friends would have to haul her back to her car, a drunken frenzy that she was. I wonder why I was always so aloof.

It would’ve been so easy for me to carry her all those nights ago.

“Diego”

“Yes?”

“I’m running out of time”

Maybe that is why I despised her?

I never felt as if I was running out of time. But she was going too fast. Maybe I should hold her first.

I said we relate

It’s so fun to relate.

“Diego,”

She’s about to lean over, her belly grazing the gear shift, her right hand on the steering wheel and the left poised above my backrest for support.

I no longer feel the cold air. As it were, the air is stifling. I want to roll down the windows, but passersby might take notice.

“We’re both running out of time.”

Why did I say that?

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I do feel as if we’re both running out of time.

And her breasts were right there.

Would it have made a difference if we were in love?

In the half light she is beautiful.

It’s the room, the sun. and the sky.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Yes?

Right now.

Right this moment.

I kiss her because she is.

She tastes like everything I had imagined.

It’s the room, the sun and the sky.

It’s the room, the sun and the sky.

Stupid, stupid, girl.

Stupid, stupid, butterfly.

Her skin is so soft.

I’ve been waiting for this moment.

I’ve been waiting for this moment, all my life.

By: Kristine Caguiat

Song: Lazy Eye by The Silversun Pickups